i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My vagina is officially offended.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
