Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
