K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
