New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
