No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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