hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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