I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
