if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
