I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
thus making me awesome and them whores
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
