he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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