I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
