Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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