cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
