I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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