it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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