Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
