umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
