Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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