I didn't shave. On purpose
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
