their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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