dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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