The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
