theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
