Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
where are my eyebrows?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
