yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
