There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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