Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
