His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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