Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
