I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
