I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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