Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
operation have a gay friend backfired
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
