11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
