I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
