Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
