im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
