I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She even gives head with a lisp.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
