yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
