unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We have started to decorate penises.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
