i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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