y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
