Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
