Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
