I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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