I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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