Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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