No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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