I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
