Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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