You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
