just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize