I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
