I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
