I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
