Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think my fart just growled at me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
