I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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