U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
