Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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