The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
