so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
