Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
