If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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